Facebook Shenanigans

Face it: without Facebook, no one would have any friends. People everywhere would be forced to revert back to the dark ages or maybe just the 2002 pre-Britney Spears’ baby days. Oh boy. That means inconveniently picking up a telephone-like device to converse with friends or even talking with them in person. What a nuisance. Really, without Facebook’s little handy-dandy applications, like that strategically placed calendar on the homepage, how would anyone ever remember that 7/11 is Free Slurpee Day or that next Tuesday is that kid in math class’s mom’s boyfriend’s birthday?
Speaking of that boyfriend guy, nowadays it seems everyone is on that website, including parents, grandparents, aunts, milkmen, and that homeless guy down the street. The fastest growing demographic of Facebook users is people aged 35 years old and older. Ever receive a friend request from your best friend’s dad and feel a little leery accepting it? That’s okay. Tons of teenagers admit they’ve used the sneaky little “Accept then Remove” trick. Ah, those sly foxes.
And what about the relationship status? If someone’s profile says “In a Relationship” everyone who sees it is like “Oh man, another boyfriend?!” Some daring individuals go about in crafty ways trying to discover who the new romantic companion is without being overly forward, but anyone who witnesses these tactics are enlightened to the real motives behind them. For example, anyone who comments the change saying something like, “Who’s the lucky guy?” is really saying “WHO?! AND WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?!!!”
On the other hand, if someone’s profile says, “In a relationship with…” then everyone who sees it knows they’re off limits. If you see that, here’s some fair warning: paws off, pal. Don’t even think of commenting that profile picture.
With the new addition of the “Live Feed”, it seems a new status update from someone is posted every three seconds. More than 45 million status updates each day are posted on the site from its 300 million active users. Additionally, it was estimated that in the past year, 2344564566 statuses about Twilight were posted.
(Alright, I admit it. That was a lie.)
(But really …NEWW MOOOON <33333!!!!)
I’ve noticed that a nice little pattern has emerged on the site: every two days Facebook is “fixed” with a “crucial change” to become “better”; then, two days later, everyone joins a group like “1,000,000 People Against _______! Facebook told us if we get 1,000,000 people join this group then they will change it back to what it used to be!”
Well obviously, Facebook lies.
Everywhere I turn someone is being labeled a Facebook stalker. Every first period, little choruses of “You looked at my picture? Creeper!” harmonize. Since more than 2 billion photos are uploaded to the site each month, why do we even put pictures up if we don’t want anyone to look at them? That stupefies me.
Then again, so does Farmville.