24 Ways to Ditch Him

Despite the fact that I am perfectly content with my love life (<3),> into the wee hours of the night from the dreaded screenname you never want to see again. The pestering "ding" of Facebook Pop-out Chat that makes you want to throw the computer at the wall. The seemingly endless buzz of your phone from repetitive text messages from this guy that just won't give up. It would be nice if we could just eliminate these creepers once and for all. Wait, what if we could? What if there was a super-easy, pain-free way to just say, "Go away, you ugly disgusting animal," without sounding like a total jerk and/or crazed psychopath? Maybe there is.

*Disclamer: Before you read, understand this is a total joke. It's not meant to be serious at all. Of course these things are dumb and stupid and would never work, but that's what makes it fun to read. :)
24 Ways to Ditch Him
1. Never answer his text messages.
2. Answer his text messages, but spell everything backwards.
him: hey
you: yeh! stahw pu?
3. Answer his text messages, but refer to yourself in the third person.
him: hey whats up?
you: maxine says hey. she is going to eat dinner. maxine is wondering what you are doing.
4. Answer his text messages, but only with one word answers.
him: hey, what do you think I should wear to the concert?
you: clothes.
him: what about my black shirt?
you: no.
5. Answer his text messages, but only through your Facebook status. Never text him back directly.
him: hey. are you going to see Twilight tonight?
Maxine is yeah, I'm going. Jen's driving.
6. Never brush your teeth.
7. Never brush your hair.
8. Only brush the sides of your teeth and hair.
9. Ask him for a ride home, then "have to go to the bathroom" on the way. Make him stop at a gas station. Pretend to be in the bathroom for 20 minutes. Instead, buy gum and check out Brad Pitt in the new issue of People magazine.
10. Ask him for a ride home, then point out every "hot" guy you see on the way. Make sure to comment on clowns, anyone wearing suspenders, balding UPS drivers and/or fire hydrants.
11. Tell him that you were born "up in the mountains" and every Wednesday you have to attend a ritualistic washing to cleanse the "city dirt" from your pores. Accuse him of being too dirty for you.
12. Tell him that you were born "up in the mountains". In everyday conversation, blurt out "ain't there nothin' like that mountain air!"
him: that's a nice shirt! i like it.
you: thanks. ain't there nothin' like that mountain air!
13. When he suggests pizza and a movie, tell him that pizza is against your religion.
14. When he asks how you are getting to your vacation spot, say Platform 9 3/4. Deny that this is from Harry Potter.
15. Be very obscure about your past.
16. Refer to your parents as "Uncle Ted and Aunt Mae."
17. When he asks where you are from, say, "I entered this world through an interstellar collision of Uncle Ted and Aunt Mae."
18. Go in for a kiss. Accidentally sneeze on his face. Blame the wind for the sneeze.
19. Go out to a fancy five-star restaurant. Pour ketchup on everything.
20. Tell him you were born with a rare birth defect where you can only walk backwards. Whenever you see him, start to walk backwards.
21. Tell him you were created in a laboratory where some of your genes were mixed with genes of a cow. Instead of laughing at his jokes, moo.
22. Randomly throw Spanish phrases into everyday conversation. When he says something about it, accuse it of being in his imagination.
him: hey. what's up?
you: hola. nothing much. y tu?
him: was that spanish?
you: no. it must have been in your imagination.
him: are you sure? i'm pretty sure i heard some spanish.
you: estas delusional?!?!
23. Go to his house. Clog the toilet. Don't tell him.
24. Follow all of the above criteria, but while wearing traditional Indian wedding gear and talking in a French accent. Insist this is a combination of your anti-pizza religion and all of the mountain air getting to your head.