Death by Research Paper

Two words. 13 Letters.
One big, fat, disgusting, in-your-face meaning.
Research paper.

Whenever teachers across America dare to utter those two words, cars beep, windows shatter, eardrums split, and students quiver in their seats. When the words "due date" and "MLA format" are hooked on to the end of that same sentence, I suggest one should always bolt out of the building at once.

This year, my world history teacher assigned a research paper, just like my middle school teachers had done. I didn't think much of it until he covered my once-innocent school desk with an endless amount of packets discussing proper notecard size, parenthetical citations and (worst of all!) the 6-8 page required length. You couldn't even see the tattered, faux-wood varnish under the pile of wasted paper.

For a college graduate or high school upperclassman used to banging out useless busywork, 6-8 pages on Louis Pasteur might easily be compared to a slice of Carvel ice cream cake.

For me, a freshman who likes to spend her time texting her Facebook friends and training for mogul competitions, 6-8 pages is compared to running a mile on a track of spikes.

Sure, I love writing. I mean, I'm writing this in my spare time. One of my electives is creative writing, and I'm taking honors English. One day, I'd love to see myself pictured on the back cover of a published novel. But right now, babbling on about how we can safely drink our milk without choking on fermented bacteria due to Louis Pasteur's amazing discoveries in science isn't on the top of my to-do list.

It isn't even on my personal priorities list.

So, in my waning hour of procrastination, I've conjured up a definition of "research paper" to suit everybody's practical needs. Maybe it will inspire you to crack open that Word document and add a few sentences that hopefully sound somewhat intelligent. Or, maybe it will inspire you to head downstairs with a pint of Ben & Jerry's and catch up on Grey's Anatomy. Who knows?

research paper (n): an extremely Satan-like task assigned to high-schoolers by teachers who believe in torture. (antonyms: fun) (see also: daunting tasks, endless assignments, boring work)(synonymous to death.)