Diaries of a Ditz

I have blonde hair.
This is not a bad thing. Actually, it's kind of a good thing. It's naturally light in some places and dark in others; with Sun-In, I think it looks pretty nice in the summertime.
Except, I get stereotyped by strangers. A lot. I mean, obviously a girl with blonde hair must be dumb, get sub-par SAT scores, and have a rough time speaking the English language properly. Right? Oh, of course!
To all the blonde girls out there: I feel your pain. Whenever someone starts off a sentence with "Hey, did you hear the latest about that blonde girl that (insert dumb action here)..." I want to run away screaming. I have common sense! I really do! I mean, it's just...I'm smart. I'm in honors classes. I can speak English fluently and have a firm grasp of Spanish. Just because I'm a blondie doesn't mean I'm going to fall off of a mountain or grab a backpack instead of a parachute when skydiving.

So, for your enjoyment, here's a list of the ditsiest blonde things I've ever heard of. (Warning: do not attempt unless your hair is nearing the strawberry-golden range of hues, otherwise you WILL be questioned about your true hair color and the reason behind your actions.)

1. At a ski area, accidentally get lost and end up in the backyard of a southern-VT farm, 30 miles away from your original point. Hitchhike back to the mountain on the back of a man named Old Grizzly's dirtbike.
2. Accidentally throw a pack of gum in with the laundry, thinking it's a dryer sheet. Have bits and pieces of your clothes stick together. (R.I.P. black tank top!)
3. Send a text to your cousin saying "Sorry I can't hang out tonight, I have to go to that disgusting diner with my family. It's my cousin's birthday. I can't believe he likes that place!" Then, realize your uncle actually owns the restaurant.
4. Answer the door with only a towel on without realizing your best friend's older father was at the door. Panic, and quickly bend down so he can only see your head through the window on the door. Instead of smoothly fixing your blunder, end up looking 3 feet tall and naked.
5. Write a poem making fun of your English teacher and her poetry assignment. Accidental hand that poem in instead of your real one. Act confused when "See me" appears at the top of the paper.
6. Throw snowballs at cars passing by on a snowy day. Realize that the line of cars wasn't slow moving traffic; it was a funeral procession.
7. Call your bad-service waiter names behind his back. Do an impersonation of his funny accent. Discuss being scared of spit in your food. Realize he was behind you, overhearing the mockery.
8. Get mad at friend in hallway at school. Hit him with backpack. Run away, but trip into garbage can, Mean Girls-style.
9. Break the belt loop on your brand new pants. Wear a long sweatshirt to cover it. Get dared into doing pull-ups on a metal bar over your friend's doorway. Have sweatshirt rise, revealing broken belt loop. Belt falls off. Pants fall off. You stay on the pull-up bar.
10. Type a long, personal IM to a close friend. Post it as your Facebook status by mistake.

Ugh, I guess blonde jokes CAN be kind of funny...here's some more good ones. http://www.coolblondejokes.com/

What To Do When You Are In a Situation Where Spanish Conversation Is Expected But You Don't Speak Spanish Very Well

Last year, my friend's Spanish class was a light breeze moving slowly through the autumn air. This year, it is a fierce winter wind threatening to destroy her handsome snowman standing tall in the backyard. While her last two semester grades were A's, that hasn't been due to her super sick flashcards or 3:30 a.m. study sessions. Her loco teacher's rather, er, "unconventional" ways of open book tests guaranteed an easy 100. Except, when the foreign language department supervisor came into the class and started quizzing her on the current lesson all about traffic lights and stop signs, she quickly asked me, Advice Giver of All Advice Givers, for an escape plan.
What To Do When You Are In A Situation Where Spanish Conversation Is Expected But You Don't Speak Spanish Very Well

1. Breathe deeply and stare intently. This will make it look like you are conjuring up a cunning, witty, intelligent response with verbs in the correct tense and perfectly matched adjectives. (Really, you could be checking out some guy in front of you with an intense, "intellectual" gaze. The listener does not have to know what you are actually looking at.)

2. Smile. The person may become transfixed by your mirror-like, sparkly, snow white teeth, slip into a trance, fall onto the floor, and you will be saved from ever uttering "Me llamo Maxine" ever again.

3. Throw the word "bano" into the conversation at random intervals. "Bano" means bathroom and you may convince the listener you are about to explode and need to exit the encounter immediately, for whatever washcloset-related reason.

4. Break down crying and repeat the phrase "Mi gato! Mi gato!" endlessly. The listener will think something deathly horrific has happened with your cat because "gato" translates to "cat". He or she probably begin conersing in your known language (English!) for the full story. I mean, who doesn't want to hear about the trials and tribulations of kittens?

5. When all else fails, make the super sick flashcards. After all, your Spanish teacher will be proud, that A of yours will become an A+, and you will always be prepared for any surprise trips to Tijuana.

Death by Research Paper

Two words. 13 Letters.
One big, fat, disgusting, in-your-face meaning.
Research paper.

Whenever teachers across America dare to utter those two words, cars beep, windows shatter, eardrums split, and students quiver in their seats. When the words "due date" and "MLA format" are hooked on to the end of that same sentence, I suggest one should always bolt out of the building at once.

This year, my world history teacher assigned a research paper, just like my middle school teachers had done. I didn't think much of it until he covered my once-innocent school desk with an endless amount of packets discussing proper notecard size, parenthetical citations and (worst of all!) the 6-8 page required length. You couldn't even see the tattered, faux-wood varnish under the pile of wasted paper.

For a college graduate or high school upperclassman used to banging out useless busywork, 6-8 pages on Louis Pasteur might easily be compared to a slice of Carvel ice cream cake.

For me, a freshman who likes to spend her time texting her Facebook friends and training for mogul competitions, 6-8 pages is compared to running a mile on a track of spikes.

Sure, I love writing. I mean, I'm writing this in my spare time. One of my electives is creative writing, and I'm taking honors English. One day, I'd love to see myself pictured on the back cover of a published novel. But right now, babbling on about how we can safely drink our milk without choking on fermented bacteria due to Louis Pasteur's amazing discoveries in science isn't on the top of my to-do list.

It isn't even on my personal priorities list.

So, in my waning hour of procrastination, I've conjured up a definition of "research paper" to suit everybody's practical needs. Maybe it will inspire you to crack open that Word document and add a few sentences that hopefully sound somewhat intelligent. Or, maybe it will inspire you to head downstairs with a pint of Ben & Jerry's and catch up on Grey's Anatomy. Who knows?

research paper (n): an extremely Satan-like task assigned to high-schoolers by teachers who believe in torture. (antonyms: fun) (see also: daunting tasks, endless assignments, boring work)(synonymous to death.)

Supergirls Speak Out - READ IT NOW!

Recently, I became in contact with Liz Funk, a 20-year-old college senior who is publishing her debut novel. Isn't that cool? 20 years old and a published novel. I totally admire her. This amazing girl helped me get started in the writing industry. (Look at me now! Writing on a blog! Who would have ever imagined?)

Look out for her book, Supergirls Speak Out, which discusses the pressures on young girls on today's society, appearing in stores March 3. It tackles difficult topics such as depression, eating disorders, grades, colleges, boyfriends, friends, and the "hook-up culture" we live in. It's an awesome read, and extremely thought-provoking. I urge all of you to check it out! You'll be surprised about how much her observations affect your own life.

Check out Liz's website at LizFunk.com
Watch a a clip of her on the February 10 Today Show episode, plus read a sneak-peek excerpt of the book, at http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/29103520/#storyContinued

Eyes Wide With Fear?

Recently, the new semester started at my high school. We all know what that means...new classes! Yay! (This is great news when you are switching from AP Calculus to Off-Campus Study Hall. Or from Honors US History II to Painting & Drawing. Sadly, this is the kiss of death when you are changing from International Cooking to AP Latin V.)
Luckily for me, I am now taking creative writing second period. Woo-hoo! Some may roll their eyes and think, "Wow! Who would ever think a teenager would like to write more than absolutely necessary? 'Teenager likes essays' sounds almost sounds as strange as 'five-year-old boy enjoys taking long showers and eating spinnach.'"
Well, I like writing. So ha. Right now, in class, we're working on writing poetry. I thought I might try and frighten you with a bit of scary verse. Enjoy!
(But please, Ned, only call your mother if you are really, REALLY scared. Like if it is an absolute necessary emergency. She got a little bit upset the last time you inturupted bingo when you called her after you got spooked when your favorite sweatshirt shrunk in the dryer. Okay?)

Darkness

glistening moon

casts a milky

pathway

on the clearing

midnight sky

illuminated

wind crackling

gravel crunching

underfoot

trees trembling

in agony

the figure steps out of the shadows.